God Bless Kayaking

Kayak

 

It’s been said that sneezing ten times produces a physical sensation much like an orgasm.  Some people go as far as saying it actually causes an orgasm.  I don’t see how the involuntary expulsion of something from the nose can be as pleasurable as a climax.  But I’m not one to judge what brings others pleasure.

All I can say is that one of the most euphoric inducing activities in my life is kayaking.  Yes, an  early morning kayak  on a clear calm lake is pure bliss.  The water, the quiet, the solitude, the connection to Mother Nature.  It’s as necessary for my psyche as the Internet connection is for my job.  And this connection never shuts down, never needs an upgrade.

All you need is a kayak and a lake.

Unfortunately, I don’t have either in my backyard.  But I do have access to both whenever I, a city girl at heart, visit the small town where my sister lives. When I’m up in those mountains,  I throw off my city skin and blend into her world.

Which is what I had the opportunity to do just last week.  We got up with the sun and after watching it rise over the water, while drinking our necessary caffeine fix, we headed for the dock.

After launching my kayak, I climbed in, pressed my feet against the pedals, grabbed the oars and off I went.  And for the next hour it just me, the lake and my thoughts.

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For those of you who have never experienced this sport, kayaking is a blend of working- out and looking- within.  With each pull of the oar, I felt my core strengthening, as I moved across the water.  With each deep breath, I felt all my worries fall away.   And soon I had a rhythm going that could challenge the best of the Olympiads.  Well, okay.  I’m not that good but I do have my own style.

Of course, my style does involve going around in circles for a bit, but I once that situation under control I headed for the middle of the lake.

Once there, I dropped my oars and rested my head back.   Seeing as how I was on a lake there was no threat of a sea monsters.  The only monsters were the ones in my mind and they soon disappeared as I stared at the beauty around me.  It’s one of the only places were I am totally in the moment.

No cell phone.  No email.  No crazy boss.  No whining kids.  No nagging husband.  No worries.

And then I heard my sister, sneezing from across the lake.   One, two, three, four, her sneezes carried across the water, interrupting my meditative state.

I had to smile.  Was her experience double the pleasure of mine?  Like I said, I’m not one to judge.   And right then it didn’t really matter.

I closed my eyes.  If only moments like this could last forever.

Posted in Kayaking, Orgasm, Peaceful, Sex, Sneezing, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 11 Comments

What My Father Built

FATHERS: THEN

Father knows best

FATHERS: NOW

Modern family dads

When I was growing up, my father brought in the bacon.  All of it.  He went to work every morning at 6:00 and came home every evening around 5:30.  When he walked in the door after a hard day at the office, my mom handed him a cocktail, the newspaper and a slice of rye bread.  (Don’t ask.  I’m not sure why he wanted this, unless of course, it was a symbol of being the bread winner.) For the next half hour he would sit and relax while my mom finished making dinner and my sister and I set the table.

I guess you’d say he was a lot like Ward Cleaver or Jim Anderson on “Father Knows Best.” And back then I believed he did know best.  After all, he was the man of the house.  My father.

This routine lasted for many, many years until my sister and I started high school at which time our mom wanted to go to work.  Not so much for the money.  But how many times can you change the bedding, scrub the toilets, rearrange the pantry, or play golf in one week?

But Mom going to work wasn’t the only change that took place in our household.  Now my father’s daughters were dating.  Goodbye Ward Cleaver.  Hello Archie Bunker.

My father wasn’t exactly like good old Archie, but when it came to the boys his girls were bringing home, he could be quite judgmental.  After all, he had once been a teenage boy and he knew how boys could act toward girls.  When their daughters start dating it must be a scary time for fathers.  And of course, as a teenage girl, I knew my father did NOT know what was best for me!

If only this book were the exception to the rule. http://www.heritageihc.com/ discount cialis pill Such rigid erection is viagra cheap india not impossible to invest in a living quarter you can proudly call home. viagra online in uk http://www.heritageihc.com/articles/6/ So, only go for reputed stores to buy Kamagra. generic tadalafil uk check out description now It gives 100% credit in solving the problem; one can use high quality supplements based on ginger. Some of my boy friends were definitely  “undesirables”  in my father’s eyes.  In looking back, I can’t say as I blame him.  With only two daughters, he had five son-in-laws.  So, I guess he had reason to be concerned.

Let’s not forget the time he had to bail me out of jail. (Nothing serious) The many months when he wondered when I was going to get on with my life after I came back from Europe.  And what the heck was I doing with my college degree.  Of course, I was wondering that same thing myself.

So, eventually I went to find who I was in life, with the security of always knowing where to find my father.  In his workshop.  Throughout the years he was always building something.  From gigantic wall units, to roll-top desks to rocking horses.

Toward the end of his life he turned to small wooden objects such as stamp holders, bagel tongs and boxes with secret openings.  Sometimes he actually made me guess what it was that he had created.

But I never had to guess how much he loved me.  And of all the things he built, the best was the strong foundation upon which my sister and I lived for many years. Until the time came for us to build lives of our own.

Janie Emaus and her dad

This is my third Father’s Day without him.  Yet, in my world, his presence is bigger than ever.

And I’ve since learned one truth:  My father really did know best.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all the wonderful fathers in our lives.

Posted in Daughters, Father's Day, Fathers, Parents, TV Shows, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 20 Comments

Love Letters from WWII

Smiling mom and dad

How well do we know our parents?
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What I found from reading old love letters written during WWII.   And what I will always treasure.

Posted in Aging, Father's Day, Fathers, Parents | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

The Woman in the Mirror

Woman in mirror

 

As I get older, the road back to my twenties, grows longer.

A bottle or two of Boone’s Farm Apple Wine or maybe some TJ Swan Easy Nights.\Hanging out with good friends. The Moody Blues playing on the stereo. We were young with dreams that knew no boundaries. We were young, idealistic and so sure the world was going to change.

There would be no more war after Vietnam. After all, aren’t we supposed to learn from our mistakes? Women would definitely earn as much as men. After all, aren’t all humans created equal? We were never going to get stretch marks or wrinkles or need reading glasses. After all, weren’t we always going to take care of ourselves? And we were never, definitely never, going to turn into our parents.

So, I ask you? – Who is that women staring at me from the mirror? The one who works in order to pay the mortgage, who sends e-mails to the troops and who smears anti-aging cream all over face each night hoping to wake up a few years younger each day. In fact, she’s hoping to be in her back in her forties by the end of the year.
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Because I swear, it’s not me. She acts, she thinks and she looks just like my mom.

Yes, just as we thought, the world did change, but not exactly how I imagined it would. There are still wars. Everything is not always equal. And some years ago, my idealism was squeezed into a corner, a place I promised myself I’d come to later after the kids were fed, the bills paid and some sort of saving plan was set in motion. Responsibility knocked on the door with a one-way ticket to my future, and I climbed on board.

These days, if I drank a glass of Easy Nights, it would definitely not be followed by a Mellow Day, that’s for sure. But rather with a pounding headache. Today, I’m a more sophisticated drinker, preferring a Ketel One martini or a glass of Pinto Grigio.

But some things have not changed. In some ways I’m still exactly the same as that twenty-something girl. I still love hanging out with friends. Listening to The Moody Blues (now considered an Oldie) on my iPhone. And I still dream. Because to stop dreaming, is to stop living.

So most days when I look at that women in the mirror, I have to admit – she may not be who I was expecting, but I have come to love her.

Posted in Uncategorized | 34 Comments

Where Is Grandma?

images

Funky, big haired grandmother, last seen at  the corner of Ventura and Winnetka with her nose in a book. Seconds before her disappearance, passersby claim to have witnessed an enormous spaceship  hovering in the sky. Her family is devastated. If anyone knows anything, please contact…..

I can’t tell you how many times, I’ve envisioned that headline.  Or something similar.   If only to get my name out in the public.  If only to have my fifteen minutes of fame.

Because some days it seems that is what it takes to get noticed.

Involvement, no matter how slight, in a natural disaster, or media grabbing situation often leads to movie deals, book contracts, one woman shows, art exhibits. You name it.

Remember those parents who claimed their son was flying over the mountains in a hot air balloon? They did have to serve time in jail, but I wouldn’t doubt if there is a movie about them in the works.

Now of course, the work itself has to be good in order to remain popular.  But having Steven Spielberg or Oprah Winfrey asking for my story, now that would satisfy my wildest dreams.
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But my life has been made up of ordinary circumstances. According to the Six Degrees of Separation Theory, I could probably connect myself to someone famous or at least to the cousin of a guy who knows the janitor at the school where some celebrity sends his daughter.

And according to my husband, his mother is a descendant of Mary Todd Lincoln, wife of president Lincoln, a woman who suffered much tragedy.   But no one’s banging on my door for stories about her life.

And so I’ve relied on what I call the three Ps: Perseverance, Positive Thinking and a good Pinot.

Whatever it is that you’re doing – from running a small jewelry business to scripting a TV pilot, to being the best pancake maker in your “mommy and me” group, you have to believe in yourself.

If not, you can always resort to some publicity stunt.  But that’s not my style.

So, if I do go missing in the near future, please note that I really don’t want to make headlines this way. And send the authorities in search of me immediately.

Posted in Aging, fame, Grandparents | Tagged , , , , | 23 Comments

PORN STAR MOM

 

So, you’re sitting face to face with your daughter’s sixth grade teacher. She leans forward. Sweat is beading on her face. And she asks you this most awkward questions..

Are you….?

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Posted in Children, Mother's Day, Porn, Teachers, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

The “W” Syndrome

I’m allergic to cleaning bathrooms.

Sink

I have all the best intentions when I start out. I take the bottle of glass cleaner and a nice rag and head for the shower door. In my mind I see myself spraying the glass and then wiping it off with wide, circular strokes, much like I’ve seen my mother and grandmother do a million times.  I visualize holding the toilet brush and scrubbing away the scum. I see knobs so shiny that my reflection smiles back at me.

But as soon as I step over the threshold and into the bathroom everything changes. And my mind goes into a“Pause” state.

This lasts for a few seconds and then the action returns to “Play.” But unlike a movie which returns to where it left off, my mind skips to a totally new activity.

Usually one that involves writing or walking or wine, depending on the time of day.  I call this the my “W” syndrome.

I’ve thought of seeing a doctor, but which one would I pick?  An internist, if I had one, would only say I was just procrastinating.  Nothing physical is actually going on in my brain.

A psychiatrist would start analyzing me in one of several ways.  A believer in the Freudian theory, would go back to my youth. Since my mom is an immaculate housekeeper he might suggest I have some regressed anger toward her.  Or some underlying issues linked to the word Wife, which back in my mom’s day was equivalent to cleaning, cooking and serving one’s husband.

A Gestalt therapist might suggest that I ignore the past and live in the moment. Which of course, would bring me no closer to cleaning the bathroom since those moments don’t exist in my life.

And as far as my dreams go, the only time cleaning shows up in my rem state is one in where I’m handing money over to a professional house cleaner. And with today’s economy that’s not about to happen any time soon.

So I decided to try to cure myself.
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First, I put on some good old rock and roll music.  That was all well and good, until I started dancing around the house which led me to my tennis shoes and out the door for a long Walk.

I then switched to soothing meditation music. That brought me to my couch and a glass of Wine.

Wine

Next, I tried listening to an audio book that produced creative thought and I ended up at my computer Writing.

None of these solutions brought me any closer to cleaning the bathroom.

But one day, who knows exactly when, I’ll go into the shower and say WTF!

How come no one ever cleans this place? And I’ll go into a cleaning frenzy.

Until then. I say: Visitor Beware.

Come drink a bottle of wine with me. There are more important things in life than cleaning the damn bathroom.

 

Posted in Aging, allergies, cleaning, Dreaming, walking, wine, writing | Tagged , , , , | 8 Comments

Then: Kids’ Table Now: Tax Table

THEN:   THE KIDS’  TABLE

NOW:  THE TAX TABLE


 

We all know about The Kids’ Table.  It’s where the younger generation sits at family gatherings.   I don’t know exactly where this tradition started, but I don’t know anyone who hasn’t sat at this table at least once in their lives.

In my family, there was a large gap between generations.  And so, I found myself at The Kids’ Table well into my twenties.  Eventually my cousin had children and sometime in my mid-twenties I graduated to that all important location – The Grown Ups’ Table.

Why I was in such a hurry, I’ll never know.  Because honestly, The Kids’ Table was way more fun.  We talked about dating, music, clubbing, clothes, dancing, family gossip.  You know, all the important stuff.  Things in the moment.  Not about how life how would be in twenty years.  There was never any mention of bills or health issues or, and I’ll say it quietly – Taxes.

Which brings me to ponder this question.  Why is it that Passover and Easter fall around Tax Time?  Inevitably, at some point during these dinner celebrations the conversation falls to that topic.  Did you file yet?  Ohmygod, is it that time again?  I’m filing an extension.  I just hope I don’t get audited.  Pass the matzo, please.   Did you claim enough deductions?

So, I’ve been trying to decide when would be the best time to file our annual income tax returns.  Definitely not in December.  Because that “tis the season to be jolly.”  And there isn’t much jolliness in filling our taxes.  Standing in line waiting to pay for that perfect gift doesn’t quite mesh with thinking about line-item deductions.

And January is most certainly off-limits.  In January we’re paying off the credit card debts incurred over the holidays.

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In March, we celebrate the beginning of Spring.  New life.  New beginnings.  We move our clocks forward, plant our feet facing the future.  Definitely not a time to look back over the past year and calculate taxes.

We’ve already concluded that April is not a good time to pay taxes.  April is the time for the Easter Bunny and the hiding of the matzo.

In May we have Memorial Day and begin looking forward to summer.  We make payments toward summer camps and cottages.   Who has time then to think about taxes or even the money to pay them?

June brings graduations, from preschool through college.  No one wants to worry about taxes when planning the next step in their careers.

In July, we celebrate our country’s independence.  When we broke away from our Mother country and all her tax obligations.

August and September are “back-to-school” months.  Moms and dads flock to the stores in search of backpacks, lunch boxes, school clothes and classroom supplies, hoping that some of these expenses are tax deductible.

Then October comes blowing in with the witches and goblins of Halloween.  Who wants to evoke the ghosts of “taxes past?”  The present taxes are scary enough.

Around the corner marches November bringing with her the Thanksgiving feast.  We have plenty to be thankful for and paying taxes is not one of those things.

And so –  here we are.  We’ve come full circle and we’re back at December.  I guess there never is the perfect time to look at that Tax Table.

Just as there isn’t the perfect time to move up to The Grown Ups’ Table.  In fact, at our next family dinner, I’d just as soon sit at The Kids’ Table again.  Talking about all that important stuff, none of which involves paying taxes.

Please pass me the brisket along with some juicy family gossip.  That kind of talk is much more enjoyable to swallow.

Posted in Aging, Holidays, Kids Table, Passover, Taxes | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

My Writing Process- Blog Tour

My office mess

 THE THEORY BEHIND MY WRITING SPACE: The more disorganized on the outside, the more order on the inside

Last week, my friend Jane Gassner, the talent behind Midlifebloggers wrote about her writing process and passed the torch on to me.  Before I go any further, I have to let everyone know that besides being a smart, creative, determined woman, Jane has one of the most contagious laughs I’ve ever heard. Dinner with Jane is more than a great glass of wine, and a good salad followed by something sweet. It is an hour or more of pure enjoyment. A time when the world stands still, allowing friends to delve into topics ranging from wrinkled necks to aging parents to complex sibling situations. A time always punctuated with laughter.

So, now I guess I’m supposed to answer some questions about my writing process.

  1. Why do I write what I do?

The simple answer to this is, I simply cannot NOT write. It’s in my blood and has been every since I was little.  Throughout my life (which started before remote control, let alone before social media) I’ve written everything from educational videos to adult films.

At one point, I wanted to be a poet. And although I did have several poems published in some literary magazines, I soon realized it would be difficult to live the life of a tragically romantic poet, drinking wine in French cafes (especially since I lived in Michigan) and existing on cheese and crackers.  No where did that life intersect with one involving a family.

So, I tossed the stanzas to the wind and began writing short stories. Really awful ones, I must add. But eventually, I had a few published.  This led to the world of novels and beyond. And to actual money as a ghost writer for the popular childrens’  book series Goosebumps and Fear Street. These assignments eventually to an agent. And another. And another.  And although it hasn’t always been easy, it has always felt right.

When the blogosphere opened up, I found a new means for expressing myself.  And I love sharing my take on the world as I grow older.

2. How does my work from others of it’s genre?

My work only differs in that everything I write is in my voice. Everything has my special twist of funny and sweet. I’d like to think that some day, my voice will grow so big and powerful that I’ll land on Bestseller lists all over the country.

 3. How does your writing process work?

This has changed drastically over the past few months.  When I had a full time job, I would get up around 6:30, have coffee, turn on my computer and write for about an hour. Of course, I would often spend time playing Scrabble and checking emails, and commenting on blogs. And then I would write again late at night.

Now, I’m in a state of “reorganization.” With so much time, I often find myself wasting it.   Ideally, I would love to start writing around 8:00 am each day and work until around 2:00 or so.  At which time, I will go for a walk or to the gym.  But often, it’s not up to me. My characters are always interfering in my plans. Somedays they arrive while I’m at the grocery store and I have to rush home to accomodate them. Other times, I’m sitting at my computer begging them to stop by.

In those moments, I turn to my blogs and eventually, that husband who feels his wife has totally lost her marbles, will call out to me and I’ll switch screens and go back to his situation. I love when this happens.

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In addition to the blogs I’m writing, I’m working on a women’s fiction novel, which I hope to finish before I forget that I’m writing it.   I’m also putting together a collection of my blogs in a book titled, The Anatomy of a Baby Boomer: From Milkshakes to Martinis.

I’m always working on something and don’t intend to stop writing. Ever.

And now I’d love to pass this Writing Process Blog tour on to two other authors.  I have been in a writing group with the prolific writer, Linda O. Johnston,  for over twenty years. Yes, you heard correctly. That in itself is a topic for another blog. And Walker Thornton, is an online friend who I have yet to meet in real life. But hope to be able to meet  one day soon.

Linda O. Johnston, the author of 35 published novels so far, is passionate about animals, especially pets.  She is also passionate about writing in more than one genre at a time to keep her mind more than active.  Linda writes three series involving animals: paranormal romance for Harlequin Nocturne featuring Alpha Force, a secret military unit of shapeshifters, the Pet Rescue Mystery series for Berkley Prime Crime, a spinoff from her Kendra Ballantyne, Pet-Sitter Mystery series, and the upcoming new Superstition Mysteries series from Midnight Ink.  She has also had two Harlequin Romantic Suspense novels published as well as novellas and short stories.

To learn about Linda visit her at her website.  http://www.lindaojohnston.com/

 

Walker Thornton  is a freelance writer, public speaker and adult sex educator. She’s working on a book for midlife women on awakening and igniting desire. A former executive director of a sexual assault crisis center with many years of nonprofit board experience at the local  and state level, Walker focuses on sexuality in her writing and speaking engagements. As a single woman navigating the dating world in here early 50s’ Walker began to talk about dating, sex and other topics of relevance to midlife. Her writing appears in the Huffington Post, Better After 50, Senior Planet and other sites.

She is the Sexual Health Columnist at Midlife Boulevard and will be writing about sexuality for the over 45 age woman at Kinkly.com. Walker lives in Charlottesville, VA, coming back home after graduating from UVA with a BA in Psychology. She has a Masters in Educational Psychology from the University of Georgia. She serves as the Vice-President of WriterHouse, a nonprofit, located in Charlottesville.

Watch for Linda and Walker next week, or whenever they feel like posting. Writers often cannot be pinned down.

With love and hugs,

Janie


 

 

Posted in Authors, Books, writing | Tagged , , , , | 12 Comments

Training Manual Not Included

 

time-for-training-message-shows-coaching-and-instructing-100144869

 

One of the most important jobs in the world, if not the most important, is that of being a parent. And yet, unlike other tasks and endeavors it does not come with a training manual.

Oh, sure, there are books on what to expect from your little loved one at various stages of development. Pamphlets on how to react to their odd behavior. Studies on what to feed them in order to avoid a zombie-like response.

And everyone, from your mother-in-law to your cousin’s manicurist, has an opinion on the absolute right way to do everything from washing a bottle to doling out those much needed weekly chores.

But there are no absolutes. No one way of doing any one thing.  Because every child  is a set of DNA onto themselves.

It’s not like buying a bookshelf from Ikea and following the direction. (Although that’s not always so easy, either)  Place part A in hole B and turn to the left. Voila.

Not so with children.

That being said, as I now slide comfortably into the grandparent role, I have a few things I’d like to pass on about the various stages of parenthood.
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1. Toddler Time

EnzoDon’t worry about keeping an immaculately clean house. Your children are going to grow up faster than you can imagine. Play with them. Read to them. Talk to them. Those dirty dishes can wait until they are sound asleep. And if you fall asleep too, well. So be it. Get to them the next day. There are always going to be dirty dishes. There won’t always be your little munchkin to play with.

2. Middle School Days

MG Don’t fall for your child’s reasoning, “but everyone’s doing it, Mom.” It’s easy for me to give this advice.  Harder to follow. Because it is difficult to watch your child beg and plead.  But just because everyone has an iPhone or everyone in the world is going to a concert, doesn’t mean your child needs part of that group. Believe me, everyone really just equates to a few of her friends.

3. Teenage Years

teenagers-talking-over-phone-100103347Don’t tell your teenager you know how she feels. She won’t believe you.  Because really, Mom, how can you know how it feels to have a boy break up with you with a text message? Texting wasn’t around when you were a teen. Of course, if a boy breaks up with you by leaving a  message on your phone, it hurts just the same. But your teenager is not going to get that.

She also doesn’t won’t get that every teen feels the same as her because as a teenager you always feel so alone in world.  Just be there for her.

If there ever is a definitive manual on raising kids, I hope my suggestions would be included.

But my biggest, most important piece of advice is this:  Listen to them.  Love them. And let them become the person they are supposed to be.

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